Training or torture? Wobbleboards and planks

I was a very worried dog on this particular day. Lying down, minding my own business, pretending to be asleep, I could hear them talking…about me.
I was just over a year old, and had been going to obedience classes and pre agility classes for some time. All good fun, with a nice little group in a village hall. Things were going well until I overheard their conversation.

– I think you can order one online
– Not too expensive
– Oooo…we can get it on Amazon Prime. It’ll be here tomorrow. I’ll do a ‘One Click’.

She should not be let loose with ‘One Click’. Downright dangerous and sometimes she clicks it twice! They had, to my horror, ordered something which sounded like a waterboard. Now, being a switched on collie I know for sure that this ‘waterboarding’ is used as a form of torture by the military and the secret service to extract confessions from spies, terrorists and other undesirables. I wasn’t quite sure of the process but it sounded horrific.
The poor victim (soon to be me!) is strapped on a sloping board with the mouth and nose covered , whilst large quantities of water are poured over the face. Unable to breathe, this gives the prisoner the feeling that they are drowning.

Panic set in. What on earth had I done to deserve this? My mind wandered over the events of the past few weeks. I had run off a couple of times after birds and ignored the whistle. I had growled at a few of the dogs in the training class, barked at the postman, created merry hell at the vets when she tried to puff drops up my nose, done lots of lunging on the lead. Maybe there’s more.
But no self respecting canine deserves this.

This should be reported to the RSPCA at once. How many more dogs are going through the same agonies as me? I suppose I could run away but where to? Winter was fast approaching and survival out in the wilds would be well nigh impossible.

I decided to lie low, do my ‘Alfie is the perfect dog’ act, refrain from all barking, lunging, chasing and growling in the hope that they would change their minds and forget my misdemeanours. But things went from bad to worse.

Later that same day more plans were afoot. This time it involved doing me in. Yes killing me.

– Think I’ll just pop in the garage and get started on making the plank. The wood arrived this morning.
– Good idea…..we can try him out on it tomorrow.

A plank? This sounded ominous and very very scary. Walking the plank was a method of execution used by pirates and other rogue seafarers. The captive is bound so that they cannot swim or tread water and forced to walk off a wooden plank extended over the side of the ship. I guessed they were going to extend my plank over the large pond and force me across it.

I was quaking. First waterboarding and then being made to walk the plank. Apparently everything would be ready tomorrow so, as you can imagine, I did not sleep a wink.

Morning dawned grey and lacklustre with an ominous hint of blackness in the clouds. I was praying for strong winds and heavy rain. No way would they succeed in balancing a plank over the pond in a semi gale, plus, they don’t like getting wet, so, the waterboarding would surely be postponed. Fate however, was not on my side. I was doomed to die.

I decided to try to become invisible, hiding under the dining table with its six chairs tucked squarely underneath. Secured beneath the four table legs and the twenty four chair legs I had maximum protection. It was my safe place. The minutes passed by. Eight o clock became ten o clock and quickly turned into eleven o clock and nothing happened. My two killers in waiting were buzzing about laughing and chatting as if they were about to set off on holiday. No mention was made of the word plank or waterboard. Maybe they had forgotten all about it.

Suddenly a delivery van screeched into the yard. Normally I would have dived out all guns blazing, barking at the intruder. Not so today. Silence was my most powerful weapon. She, on the other hand, rushed out like a demented banshee,

– It’s arrived, it’s arrived!
– Calm down a bit, calm down!
– Come on let’s get it unpacked!

From within the dark recesses of my chairleg cell I could hear the frantic tearing and shredding of cardboard, brown paper and sticky tape until finally the dreaded, doomladen object made its entry into my presence as they placed it on the carpet.

– Look Alfie. Come and try it out. It’s your wobbleboard.

Wobbleboard? Were my ears hearing this correctly?
They set it down on the carpet within my range of vision. A square, innocuous piece of wood with a rounded central base which made it rock from side to side. We sat staring at each other for a few hours. Nothing happened. It did not move. No water appeared, no hose pipe. Several hours elapsed and I was getting bored and hungry.

Finally He came and sat down next to Woody with a clicker in his hand and what smelled like sausage (caramelized onion flavour, my favourite) in the other. This could only mean one thing, training. I was going to learn something new.
Inevitably, if I looked keen and did the right thing I would get a click and be rewarded by a bellyful of prime pieces of pork sausage.

Overcome by temptation I crawled gingerly out of my safe house.

– Come on Alfie ‘show me’

This means they want me to do something. I touch the board with one paw.

Click followed by a treat

– GOOD LAD! Show me!

Thinking I am on the right lines I put my two front paws on it.

Another click and a treat

– GOOD MAN Alfie. Let’s have another go. Show me.

Well I may as well go hell for leather. Let’s get on it…woo hoo it moves. Steady steady nearly there. Four legs on, just a bit of adjustment needed.

Click and a massive load of sausage comes my way!

-GOOD BOY ALFIE! One last time for today. Show me!

This is just too good to be true. I steady my four legs onto the board. This time he lets me stand there for ten seconds or so and then it comes again.

Another click and more sausage.

I think I did rather well there. At least that’s one hurdle over. No waterboarding. Just a straightforward wobble board. Apparently it is for body awareness and conditioning to strengthen my core, whatever that is. The only cores I know about are apple cores.

That just left the plank. I was not out of the woods yet. He disappeared outside and reappeared five minutes later doing his Irish smiley face routine.

– Hey Alfie BABY, let’s go and give this a whirl.

Less of that sickly language mate!However with more treats and clicker to hand my umbilical lead was strapped on and we headed for the yard. On the ground was a five by one foot piece of wood,a plank, propped up at one end on a building block. I stared at it and then the penny dropped.

It was an agility exercise. Two on, two off, or more precisely two paws on (the back ones), two paws off (the front ones).

I had seen our Trainer teaching this to the more advanced group. Every time a dog goes over the dog walk, the see-saw and the A frame on an agility course they had to stop dead at the end with two paws on and two off. Mrs T called this ‘plank’. The dog had to wait for the release command ‘OK’ before it could fire off to the next obstacle.. Got it? How could I have been so dim and caused myself all that unnecessary stress and panic?

Lead off, ‘sit’ at far end of plank.

– ‘Alfie, show me!

Yeah! I rush down the plank and rush off it.

Click! Treats!

More ‘show me’s”. I am not going to make it too easy for him. I am not that daft. Keep getting a click and stuffing myself with sausage, but eventually I behave ( we have already done this in class with Mrs T). I stop dead on the end in a perfect two on, two off. Big smiles and treats all round and this now becomes ‘plank’ in my training routine.

What a day it has been. It started off in a state of nervous anxiety and has ended in sausage euphoria.

The moral of this tale has to be wash your ears out, trust your owners and don’t jump to the wrong conclusions!